I'm Quitting the Grammar Police
There are rules of English, but there are also rules of behavior.
I recently learned something about myself, and it is this: I can sometimes be a pain in the posterior.
No doubt many people would reply, “Are you just now discovering that? I’ve known it for years.” But I’m talking about a pain that comes from something very specific, something different from the general run-of-the-mill obnoxiousness. It is a pain that I have unintentionally and, until now, unrepentantly inflicted on my family and friends.
What’s my crime? I have been a member of what some people call the “Grammar Police.” That is, I am prone to complain publicly about the grammar errors of others, sometimes to their faces.
I confess that in the past I always viewed this self-appointed role as more of a public service than a fault. I considered proper use of language to be something everyone should embrace, thinking that my insistence upon it was simply my method of helping us all live and work and communicate better. I always assumed there was something of value in my quest to educate.
The truth is, I value good relationships more, and I now recognize that what might have seemed to me like a public service was actually an annoyance to most people. How did I come to this startling conclusion? It was during a heart-to-heart talk with my adult daughter, who (thankfully) was willing to risk hurting my feelings in order to help me be a kinder Dad. I was griping to her about a specific grammar error that really bugged me when she replied, “I know it means a lot to you, but have you thought about how others feel when you correct them?” I immediately went on the defensive, trying to justify my righteous indignation, but in the end she stood her ground and eventually I saw her point.
So this is my formal apology to those I have offended by my misplaced fervor. After chewing on my daughter’s words for a few weeks I have come to realize that the only people who really like the Grammar Police are other grammar police, and those people are not in the majority.
Don’t get me wrong. I still think the fundamentals of American English are important, especially for public speakers and writers. I still believe in teaching grammar in school. I credit (or blame) my freshman English professor Dr. Davis for that opinion, the result of his strict grading of my essays back in college. He was good at his job, enforcing with a bold red pen the laws of verb tense, direct and indirect objects, and subject-verb agreement. He tolerated neither run-on sentences nor sentence fragments, but he reserved his strongest ire for the passive voice. “Someone always does the action!” he would lecture. “Nothing happens all by itself!”
Dr. Davis was a purist. He loved the English language, and over the course of a semester he instilled in me that same affection, sometimes with his red pen, but more often by simply modeling smart speech. Largely due to his influence, writing became a passion, and I eventually took to heart what Mark Twain said: “The difference between the almost right word and the right word is really a large matter—’tis the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.” I carried that motto into my career in television, picking over scripts with a fine-toothed comb, searching out and eliminating problematic passages.
Enthusiasm for good grammar is one thing; aggressively expecting others to share that enthusiasm is another. I now recognize that I have not earned the right to pull out my own figurative red pen every time I see someone use an apostrophe to form a plural or if I hear “she” or “I” used as the object of a preposition. Personally disparaging someone for not following these kinds of “rules” displays a lack of grace and is almost always unwelcome. Even the definitive web site for grammar nerds Grammarly.com features an article about controlling the urge to grammar-correct.
If that weren’t enough, there is now evidence that grammar policing can be hazardous to our health. Recently I read the results of a scientific study showing that many Americans actually suffer increased risk of anxiety and heart disease when continually exposed to poor grammar. Reckless writing and sloppy speech bother them so much that laboring over misused words may actually shorten their lives. Seeing myself in that group of zealots gets me thinking—life is already too short, so maybe I should try to lighten up.
I know I am not alone. To all the other members of the Grammar Police who might have a hard time lightening up, here is my suggestion: Let’s ask ourselves, “What is the goal of communication?” Isn’t it nothing more than the accurate and coherent conveyance of information? A certain level of grammar is necessary for that, but if we accomplish our communication goals, where is the harm in using an adjective where an adverb is technically correct? Do we completely miss the meaning of a sentence if someone splits an infinitive? And no matter what Dr. Davis preached, I’m not sure the passive voice is really such a villain. It’s not like mathematics, where a small inaccuracy can mean a spoiled dinner, tardiness, or worse, a medical misdiagnosis or an IRS audit.
Besides, anyone who has read a book more than fifty years old knows our language is changing. Not long ago I wrote a blog identifying outdated words once thought to be cool that only make us laugh today. The probability that the next generation’s English will be identical to ours is very low, so spending our energies trying to force compliance with all of today’s grammar guidelines might be a fool’s errand.
More importantly, I’ve learned that the best communication happens when people respect one another, and grammar policing works against that. That’s why I will henceforth hold my tongue when someone uses the word “further” when “farther” is preferred. That’s why I will no longer cringe when we sing “Amazing Grace”—“We’ve no less days (instead of ‘fewer’ days) to sing God’s praise.” And that’s why I will turn the radio up, not down when I hear Mick Jagger lament, “I can’t get no satisfaction.” It is painfully obvious how far I have gone down this unhealthy road, and I need to turn back.
There is at least one more reason why I need to curtail my grammar-policing habits. It is because I have been guilty too. Not only in private conversations, but during my years working in live television I committed a number of verbal faux pas in my unscripted ad libbing, and I know that casual talk is different from formal writing. If I expect others to forgive my misspeaks, I need to be just as forgiving of theirs. I am probably not quite there yet, but I am working on it.
That said, I will continue to look for opportunities to help people understand grammar better, but in a positive way. Still, I’m undecided about what to do when my grandkids make grammar mistakes. For example, when one of them says, “Look what I drawed” I’m inclined to respond, “You drew that yourself?” allowing them to hear the correct form of the verb. My grandkids are pretty sharp though, and they may see my efforts as just indirect criticism. What I can’t shake is the knowledge that they will likely encounter their own Dr. Davis someday in college. If they want good grades, then proper grammar and clear language will be important.
By the way, when those days come, it still might be best if the passive voice can be avoided.
© Nick Walker 2023
What do you think? Do you correct your friends’ and family’s grammar? Do you resent it when others correct yours? And oh, did you find all the grammatical errors in this blog? Feel free to comment below.
To learn more about better grammar, you can get hints here from Grammarly.com
